"Hey, when you’re done reading that, could you pick me up some razors? I’m out and I have school to finish."
An innocent question. But he’s able-bodied. He’s got two legs. Why the hell doesn’t he do it himself?
"Uh, no. Sorry, but I’m swamped with work for the next few days. Could you please be a little self-sufficient and get it yourself?"
"Ugh, all you do is sit at home all day though! You’re so lazy!"
I woke up at 7am this morning because my son had gotten poo all over his crib. I cloth diaper because I can’t afford disposables, so now I have to run a load. Again. I did laundry yesterday. This will never end. Gotta clean all this up and sterilize everything so we don’t get sick. NO! Don’t touch the poo! Guess bathtime will be today… I really hope we don’t get sick.
Shit, it’s 8:30 and we haven’t eaten yet. I hope I’m not malnourishing my kid. Oh good, he’s eating a lot. Maybe that makes up for it. Oops.
11am. I forgot to do the laundry. Crap. Literally, that poo has been sitting all night. Awesome. I really hope we don’t die. Maybe I’ll use three scoops of powder today…
SHIT. Why didn’t I take out last nights laundry? Oh well, I’ll just wash it again, and pray we don’t die from some disease. We’ll just run that on HOT and…
NO! Connor. I really hope that was a fruit snack and not a half dead bug. We’ll count that as your protein for the day. Wait, have you had too much protein? You didn’t eat vegetables yesterday. Guess we’ll do two veggies tonight for dinner. Which I still need to cook. God made naptime for a reason, right? I’ll just catch up on History, do cooking, and I’m set!
Kitchen’s dirty. Does nobody help me in this house? That’ll eat up 30 minutes. Go to sleep kiddo. Mommy’s gotta do dishes. Again. Then cook, clean it up, move the laundry… Oh and catch up on History! I can do that in 45 minutes, right?
Wrong. It’s noon and nothing is done. I spent the last hour trying to get the kiddo to sleep. Nothing stays quiet around here. Ok. Focus. Dishes, Laundry, Cook, History. No funny business!!
Crap. A telemarketer?! I’m going to cut your testicles off and staple them to your forehead if you wake up—annnnnd he’s up. I’m going to reach through the phone and—
Text: “What’s for dinner? Did you plan anything yet?”
Ugh, no? Because I’ve been too busy “sitting around all day doing nothing.” Takeout would be perfect today. I have a $10 off coupon, so it’s justified. I need a vacation…
Lunch. Fabulous, I can eat finally! I haven’t eaten since…..when did I eat last? Doesn’t matter, the kid is up and needs food first. Maybe I’ll just eat some of his mac and cheese. That counts as a meal, right?
Naptime again! Ok settling in for the big one. Did the laundry—washed AND DRIED—I feel accomplished. Dishes are done, cooking is sorta done…History. Crap! I have 20 pages to read, let alone comprehend, then a quiz to take, another whole book to read, and a paper to write on said book.
Totally doable within naptime. I’m dying. Please stay asleep for a good 3 hours…
Ah, post-afternoon nap. I read most of my History and cooked the kid’s dinner. The dishes can wait til tomorrow. I’ve accomplished enough. I gotta go play with him! That’s the best way kids learn, right? Or do I leave him alone? After all, I don’t want to make him too dependent on me for education. There’s too many opinions. I’m gonna play for a bit and relax—
Ha! That was a cute thought. I forgot my kid is learning to walk and falls…a LOT. After several tantrums about falling, we’re up in the wrap. Aka baby prison. Maybe I can get a few more things done…
Dinner! Ahh sweet dinner. I eat an entire adult-size hibachi because I haven’t eaten all day. I wonder how many calories that was? Screw it, that was GOOD. I don’t even care. And my kid had a healthy organic butternut squash and bean dinner. I should eat more healthy stuff… I should probably take care of myself more too…
Clean up time! My kid threw squash on the walls. That wasn’t funny. Ok it was a little funny, but now I have to clean it up… *sigh*
"The Witching Hour." Joy! It’s here again. The hour after dinner/before bed.
My absolute favorite time of the day. Every parent’s worst nightmare when they pray to God that their child would “just fall asleep already.” Maybe I’ll go for a walk. Dishes can wait. Up on my back you go little one. May the rocking motion put you to sleep…. please.
Bedtime! My kid still isn’t asleep, and I really need to get this History done… Instead of a bedtime story, I’ll opt for a brutal recounting of African Americans being captured and sold into slavery to work on sugar plantations in the early Americas. That’s appropriate reading for a 1 year old, right?
Doesn’t matter. It worked. Phew! Now what else did I need to do before I go to bed?
Clean upstairs, clean my room, clean the bathroom, clean the dishes from dinner, vacuum, make a list for groceries, fold and put away laundry, read more History, do that quiz, begin writing my paper, take a shower, read my emails, prepare for babywearing meetings, budget out my birthday money, gather up old clothes for Goodwill, store away any carriers that are out, clean up the pig sty that is the toy room, mentally prepare for tomorrow…
My son and I probably need haircuts. I should clip my nails and take off that 4 month old polish on my toes. I should also probably recolor my hair…or at least to disguise the fact I haven’t bleached it in a few months…
Oh wait, I forgot about the birthday parties this weekend. I should plan out how I’m going to 2 parties an hour apart around the same time. Maybe one mom won’t mind that I’m leaving an hour early, and the other won’t mind that I’m coming an hour late… Oh wait, I gotta get presents for them too. There goes my birthday money…
Google search: “Presents for a 1 year old”
Google search: “Presents for a 3 year old”
It’s now 2am. I gotta get up at 7am. 5 hours is enough sleep for this “lazy mother”, right?